I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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