Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
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