epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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