was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
