Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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