I have demons in me.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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