he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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