the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
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