i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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