i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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