I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
