i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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