thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
