I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
