so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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