i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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