im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
