I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
