It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
