Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize
