$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
