sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
