Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Randomize
