at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
