Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Randomize
