yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
