I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
