just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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