The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
His nipple licking is glorious
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