I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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