So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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