Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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