i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
