Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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