Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Randomize
