if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
