dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
