my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
