Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
