im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
