btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Dear god my vagina.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
