herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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