Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
