2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
