Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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