the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
