I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
