His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
We need to rekindle our bromance
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
