I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
