Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
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