she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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