she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
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