I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
