Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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