It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
